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00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:32,249
Good evening. It's delightful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:35,829
Indeed it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be meeting the world's

3
00:00:35,830 --> 00:00:40,209
greatest basketball team, which recently
changed to a high -fibre diet and is

4
00:00:40,210 --> 00:00:42,010
now known as the Harlem Bogtrotters.

5
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:49,949
Then I'll be talking to a very public
-spirited man who plans to leave his

6
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:54,230
kidneys to St Thomas', his liver to
Guy's and his chips to McDonald's.

7
00:00:54,231 --> 00:00:59,569
But first, the news. Interviewed on The
World at One today, Mrs. Thatcher said

8
00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:02,400
that if we all pulled together, nothing
was impossible.

9
00:01:02,401 --> 00:01:05,789
Although she admitted she'd never tried
cancelling a Reader's Digest

10
00:01:05,790 --> 00:01:06,840
subscription.

11
00:01:08,290 --> 00:01:15,069
The Astronomer Royal announced today
that the 21st of June will no longer be

12
00:01:15,070 --> 00:01:18,629
longest day of the year. In future, the
longest day will be the day of the

13
00:01:18,630 --> 00:01:19,890
Eurovision Song Contest.

14
00:01:19,891 --> 00:01:25,369
There was a red alert at Wormwood Scrubs
this morning when it was realised that

15
00:01:25,370 --> 00:01:28,350
26 prisoners had put their names down
for picnic lunches.

16
00:01:33,470 --> 00:01:39,170
Turville Dinge, the celebrated
budgerigar impressionist, died today.

17
00:01:39,530 --> 00:01:43,209
A few friends attended a private
ceremony at which he was flushed down

18
00:01:43,210 --> 00:01:44,260
lavatory.

19
00:01:47,870 --> 00:01:49,290
Sir Wilson Burton.

20
00:01:50,050 --> 00:01:54,409
Famous zoo vet and specialist in
diseases of the elephant's tail was also

21
00:01:54,410 --> 00:01:57,960
today. But as soon as they dig him out
again, he'll be getting on with his

22
00:02:00,570 --> 00:02:06,189
But now, now a sketch featuring Mr.
Ronnie Barker as a nudist who can't add

23
00:02:06,190 --> 00:02:07,710
and has to count on his friends.

24
00:02:13,110 --> 00:02:15,100
Yes, well, of course, I don't know
what...

25
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:18,959
and both amuse on their cricket bats, I
suppose. Things have all changed since

26
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:23,280
my young day, but I was advocated the
use of linseed oil. Good heavens!

27
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:24,810
Is he still around?

28
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,259
I beg your pardon?

29
00:02:26,260 --> 00:02:27,310
Lindsay Doyle.

30
00:02:27,311 --> 00:02:31,179
Lindsay Doyle, is he still around? My
dear friend of mine, I haven't seen him

31
00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:33,659
ages. How is he? No, I'm awfully sorry,
you're misunderstanding.

32
00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:37,580
I was just talking about the use of
linseed oil on cricket bats.

33
00:02:37,930 --> 00:02:40,340
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Sorry, I didn't
realise.

34
00:02:40,590 --> 00:02:42,750
Would you carry on? Yes, of course. No,

35
00:02:43,490 --> 00:02:46,850
I think our pitch, of course, isn't
ideal, but I determine.

36
00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:49,860
Come hell or high water. Good heavens,
do you know her?

37
00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:52,120
Camilla Highwater.

38
00:02:53,270 --> 00:02:56,450
Camilla Highwater. Excuse me, will you
forgive me?

39
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,390
I'm addressing my remarks.

40
00:02:58,590 --> 00:02:59,640
Oh, hello, Myra.

41
00:02:59,641 --> 00:03:06,629
Miss Mark somehow seems sort of quite
formal, doesn't it? Myra, if you don't

42
00:03:06,630 --> 00:03:08,269
mind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

43
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:10,589
Carry on your conversation. Annie Moore
you'd like to meet? Oh, yes, Annie.

44
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:11,850
Hello, Annie. How are you?

45
00:03:12,450 --> 00:03:16,209
Lovely to meet you. Look, is there
nothing I say that doesn't remind you of

46
00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:17,260
someone you know?

47
00:03:17,270 --> 00:03:19,470
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't... No, it's
all right.

48
00:03:20,610 --> 00:03:24,869
Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes, this
is, um... This is Sangria, isn't it?

49
00:03:24,870 --> 00:03:27,149
an awfully intoxicating drink, you know,
Sangria.

50
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:30,169
Mind you, I'm the sort of character that
gets giddy on shandy.

51
00:03:30,170 --> 00:03:31,220
Giddy on shandy?

52
00:03:31,221 --> 00:03:37,179
I have to be very careful, pick my words
very carefully, because I can see more

53
00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:38,320
coming. See more coming.

54
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,590
Anyone seen the new show at the Opera
House?

55
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:43,940
The Barbara Seville?

56
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:49,639
At the risk of being called a
philistine, I would say that it's fully

57
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:50,690
of its bad reviews.

58
00:03:51,571 --> 00:03:58,519
What was I saying? Oh, yes, the pitch,
yes, the pitch. I actually caught a

59
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:02,939
playing soccer on it the other day. I
did, yes. Well, of course, I was forced

60
00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:07,459
Audrey Moffat. Audrey Moffat? Oh, I'm
sorry, you're becoming a perfect

61
00:04:07,460 --> 00:04:12,399
albatross. Oh, how nice of you,
albatross. How very nice of you. He was

62
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,450
sweetie albatross.

63
00:04:13,451 --> 00:04:16,778
If there was anybody in the whole wide
world I'd care to be compared to, it's

64
00:04:16,779 --> 00:04:18,279
he. You see, it's all to no avail.

65
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:19,018
No avail?

66
00:04:19,019 --> 00:04:20,159
Did he mention me then?

67
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,439
He's my woman.

68
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:22,119
No avail.

69
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,680
You can call me Noah, if you like.

70
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:27,259
Noah. It's much more friendly. You know,
considering how many people and friends

71
00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:30,259
we have in common, I think we ought to
get together one evening. What about

72
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,079
tomorrow night?

73
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,099
Tomorrow night? Oh, yes, I know her very
well. Strange she should have a Russian

74
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:37,359
first name, isn't it? Tomorrow night,
considering she comes from Stepney.

75
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,400
Look, Friday, dinner, my place.

76
00:04:39,401 --> 00:04:42,359
You know, I'm rather good in the
kitchen. I always feel a meal you cook

77
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,919
yourself. Yes, Amelia Cook, that's who
I'm having dinner with.

78
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,239
You can't be. She died last week. Surely
not. Surely not. She was at the

79
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,290
funeral.

80
00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:52,979
She'll tell you. Look, Shirley Nott is,
I mean, is the one I'm coming to dinner

81
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:56,659
with, yes. Shirley Nott is. I've known
her for years, ever since I used to spot

82
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:59,979
her at the Buxton. Used to spot her at
the Buxton? Good heavens, don't they

83
00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:00,619
her to him?

84
00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:04,759
Goodness me, she's the man she's going
to marry. Oh, rather him than me. Good

85
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,140
heavens. I mean, she's a tart.

86
00:05:06,141 --> 00:05:10,379
Oh, I mean, until recently, she was the
red light district's lowest turner. Oh,

87
00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:12,610
I think that's rather fair on lowest
turner.

88
00:05:12,611 --> 00:05:16,669
This turn is rather nice. I always think
I'm rather well -groomed. I always feel

89
00:05:16,670 --> 00:05:19,789
her hair's very Natalie Dunn. Well,
simply because Natalie Dunn's a very

90
00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:23,809
hairdresser. The problem with Natalie
Dunn is she can't do anything without

91
00:05:23,810 --> 00:05:25,010
consulting a horoscope.

92
00:05:25,210 --> 00:05:26,260
Horoscope?

93
00:05:26,610 --> 00:05:27,890
Horoscope? That twit.

94
00:05:29,090 --> 00:05:32,940
Don't tell me she moves in his moronic
orbit. Ronic orbit? Who's ronic orbit?

95
00:05:34,050 --> 00:05:35,250
Come on, I've had enough.

96
00:05:35,530 --> 00:05:38,180
Are we going to stand here and let them
bore us rigid?

97
00:05:39,030 --> 00:05:41,320
Let's go and see that guy standing over
there.

98
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:44,490
Who's Guy Standing?

99
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,140
Well, who's Boris Richard?

100
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,820
Name droppers.

101
00:05:55,800 --> 00:06:01,319
Tonight, a song that was a big hit in
1983 for Howard Jones, who also composed

102
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:06,380
it. The title is What Is Love? And the
singer, of course, Barbara Dixon.

103
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:44,420
Sometimes I find you got my love for
you, but I don't mind.

104
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:48,060
Why should I mind? Why should I mind?

105
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:53,300
What is love anyway?

106
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:58,240
Does anybody love anybody anyway?

107
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:03,460
What is love anyway?

108
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:08,400
Does anybody love anybody anyway?

109
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:13,090
Take some aspirins. No, I can't take
aspirins. They give me headache.

110
00:10:15,370 --> 00:10:20,789
I see in the paper where it says that 50
,000 germs can live on a pound coin for

111
00:10:20,790 --> 00:10:21,689
a year.

112
00:10:21,690 --> 00:10:24,090
Oh, yeah? Does that include VAT?

113
00:10:25,710 --> 00:10:26,760
Don't know.

114
00:10:26,890 --> 00:10:30,790
I should have asked that businessman I
tried to tap the other day.

115
00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:32,690
Mean basket he was.

116
00:10:33,130 --> 00:10:35,590
Wouldn't spare me a pound for a cup of
coffee.

117
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,200
I'm a heavy tipper.

118
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:49,400
Anyhow, them Americans ain't got a lot
of money to waste, I have.

119
00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:53,500
Look at all that money they wasted
putting a man on the moon.

120
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,660
They're going to put a man in the sun
next.

121
00:10:58,900 --> 00:10:59,950
I'll do that.

122
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,340
It'd be burnt to a cinder.

123
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:05,820
No, they've thought of that.

124
00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:07,310
Oh, yeah?

125
00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:09,260
How are they going to get round that?

126
00:11:10,410 --> 00:11:12,270
They're sending him at night.

127
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,040
Evening.

128
00:11:28,370 --> 00:11:29,420
What'll it be?

129
00:11:29,510 --> 00:11:33,250
I'll have a bottle of beer and a large
scotch for him, thank you very much.

130
00:11:36,051 --> 00:11:42,799
Very mild, actually. Very mild, Art.
Very mild indeed. A bit quiet in here

131
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,410
tonight, aren't you? Yeah, well, it's
always ever so quiet on a Tuesday.

132
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:47,570
Oh, yeah.

133
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:54,570
Oh,

134
00:11:55,420 --> 00:11:57,420
gracious. Has he finished it already?

135
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,640
She's back with another one now.

136
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,800
Yeah, well, all right.

137
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:05,590
I don't mind a quiet pub myself, funnily
enough, you know.

138
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:08,369
Rather than all these elbows and
everything pushing in your back

139
00:12:08,370 --> 00:12:10,749
get a drink a week and a half an hour to
be served and all that kind of thing,

140
00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:11,800
eh?

141
00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:17,730
He's done it again.

142
00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:19,400
What's that?

143
00:12:20,050 --> 00:12:23,170
Oh, dear. He is throwing them back
tonight, isn't he?

144
00:12:25,490 --> 00:12:28,020
He's throwing them back? He's throwing
them away.

145
00:12:28,021 --> 00:12:30,729
What? Because they're going over his
shoulder.

146
00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:34,269
Oh, they're not, aren't they? Oh, dear,
I didn't notice that. Glad you drew that

147
00:12:34,270 --> 00:12:35,239
to my attention.

148
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,419
Just wait a minute, a second. It's just
a...

149
00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:43,340
Yeah,

150
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,520
that's it.

151
00:12:47,740 --> 00:12:48,790
That's it, you see.

152
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,970
That's it. His gyro's a bit out of
kilter, you know.

153
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:54,390
Hang on a minute.

154
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,159
What do you mean, all about? What do you
mean? Oh, that business with your

155
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,159
friend's chef.

156
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,500
Oh, he's not my friend. He's a droid.

157
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:02,950
He's a robot.

158
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,510
He's by all... you see.

159
00:13:05,090 --> 00:13:06,140
Yes.

160
00:13:07,910 --> 00:13:14,889
Well, his legs are made of 4x2, his
chest an old budgie cage, his arms

161
00:13:14,890 --> 00:13:17,780
are made of a carno and his head is out
of a Burton's window.

162
00:13:18,470 --> 00:13:20,870
That's incredible. I never would have
known.

163
00:13:21,410 --> 00:13:22,750
Are you one too?

164
00:13:23,510 --> 00:13:25,650
No, that's his name. Are you one too?

165
00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:29,620
He's a very nice, very nice, helpful
self.

166
00:13:29,790 --> 00:13:32,800
Does all the washing up and does all the
dusting and all that.

167
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:34,790
Even does the vacuum cleaning.

168
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:36,710
He doesn't even need a hoover.

169
00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:39,330
What does he use then?

170
00:13:45,690 --> 00:13:46,740
Sooner not say.

171
00:13:48,270 --> 00:13:51,040
Didn't half give the vicar a shock when
he popped round.

172
00:14:06,821 --> 00:14:12,789
Oh, he's not interested. Not interested
in that sort of thing at all.

173
00:14:12,790 --> 00:14:15,329
He looks at a woman rather like you
would look at a washing machine, you

174
00:14:15,330 --> 00:14:17,250
what I mean? He's not programmed for it.

175
00:14:18,830 --> 00:14:22,729
He had a mild romance, I must tell you
this. He did have a mild romance once

176
00:14:22,730 --> 00:14:24,590
with a petrol pump, but it didn't last.

177
00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:29,730
So, nothing turns him on, then? Oh, yes,
a little switch at the side. You see,

178
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:34,829
basically, he's got no brain. He's a
lump of machinery, basically, you see.

179
00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:37,890
brain, really, you know. He cares for no
one or nothing.

180
00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:41,100
Oh, dear. Gone back to work.

181
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:43,020
What? What does he do?

182
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:44,380
He's a traffic warden.

183
00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:33,910
Come witness, ladies and gentlemen, the
greatest show on earth.

184
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:37,820
It's full of frolics and fantasy and
monstrous magical birth.

185
00:15:38,060 --> 00:15:42,879
There's chimpanzees performing fleas,
striptease on a high trapeze. And a

186
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,900
whop dies from the top into a camembert
cheese.

187
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:51,479
There's mathematical elephants and
boxing kangaroos. The girls are covered

188
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,640
rain, smiles and tinsel and tattoos.

189
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:59,019
The Zulu dwarf is six foot tall. The
human military cannonball went through

190
00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,800
roof of the Albert Hall. And now he's
nothing to lose.

191
00:16:09,540 --> 00:16:14,439
The girls adore the clowns on stilts. We
had to stop them wearing kilts because

192
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,500
they're endowed with such a wondrous
sense of merriment.

193
00:16:26,350 --> 00:16:29,630
At Barnum and Bailey Circus, we have gold
dust on the floor.

194
00:16:29,870 --> 00:16:33,430
At Barnum and Bailey Circus, we dispense
the best manure.

195
00:16:33,930 --> 00:16:38,709
The flying nun got shot from a gun, was
last seen over Wimbledon. The vision

196
00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:41,610
through his telescope excited Patrick
Moore.

197
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:53,650
There's jelly neals performing seals and
dancing bears.

198
00:16:54,070 --> 00:16:56,450
Water down the clown's pajamas.

199
00:16:57,210 --> 00:17:01,570
And if you get a little wet at times,
who cares?

200
00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:08,088
As long as it was not the llamas. Miss
Bendy Toy is such a joy. Our

201
00:17:08,089 --> 00:17:14,909
corkscrew queen, better known as Tutan
Muriel. She really strains to

202
00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:17,510
get her knickers in a twist.

203
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:21,000
It's time she got some new material.

204
00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:25,560
And then there's Sadie, lovely, rude,
very tattooed lady.

205
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:30,220
Samson, strong as a bull, started to
fool Sadie.

206
00:17:30,420 --> 00:17:36,420
Had a private view, showed her something
new, and he loved her edging, too.

207
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:49,490
The Flying Singletons. display their
playing physique.

208
00:17:49,830 --> 00:17:56,469
Fred for 62 is quite sprightly. And
young Fiona only married Fred

209
00:17:56,470 --> 00:18:01,470
last week, performing for the crowd
twice nightly.

210
00:18:09,070 --> 00:18:10,120
Oh, Mr.

211
00:18:10,430 --> 00:18:13,630
Barnum, people repeat, you are a cheat,
darn.

212
00:18:36,729 --> 00:18:39,490
I plan to be a...

213
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,580
Oh, sorry, I've only brought a pint.

214
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:18,579
What is the difference between a pint
and a leaker? That's what I say. What's

215
00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:19,630
the difference?

216
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,670
Hey, they've got an extermination here
at the pub tonight.

217
00:19:23,671 --> 00:19:27,659
What do you mean, an extermination?
Well, they stay open for an hour after

218
00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:28,710
shut.

219
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:34,110
I'm off down to Ping and Whistle
tonight.

220
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,850
Oh, I've never been down there. How far
is that? Oh, it's about four miles.

221
00:19:38,380 --> 00:19:40,120
But if you hurry, you can do it in two.

222
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,640
What's that there you've been reading?

223
00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:48,840
It's a letter from my girlfriend, that
is. Oh, really?

224
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,250
Yeah.

225
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,120
Well, there's no writing on it. No,
we're not speaking.

226
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:04,100
My girlfriend's working down the museum
at the moment. Oh, I are? Yeah.

227
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:08,979
Do you know they've got a dinosaur there
that is two million... years and three

228
00:20:08,980 --> 00:20:10,030
months old.

229
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,980
How do you work that out, then?

230
00:20:11,981 --> 00:20:15,719
Well, it was two million years old when
she started there, and she's only been

231
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:16,770
there three months.

232
00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:22,699
Have they still got those two little
skellingtons by the door there in that

233
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:26,060
museum? Which one's that? Well, the big
one's Nelson.

234
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,040
Oh, what's the little one?

235
00:20:28,140 --> 00:20:29,880
It's Nelson when he was a little boy.

236
00:20:32,580 --> 00:20:36,160
Oh, dear, this beer's horrible. I'll be
glad when I've had enough.

237
00:20:44,639 --> 00:20:46,689
Milk was the cause of my brother's
death.

238
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,640
How? A cow pheromone.

239
00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:56,099
Now, my other brother, for example, he
died. He was killed, really, by women

240
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:57,119
drink. Was he?

241
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,410
Yeah. Couldn't get either, so he shot
himself.

242
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,280
Here, what's the time?

243
00:21:03,940 --> 00:21:05,560
I don't know. I haven't got a watch.

244
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:06,730
Oh, I have.

245
00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:11,150
Why do you ask me the time if you've got
a watch? I don't want to wear it out.

246
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:18,439
Has you got a written guarantee for
that? No, I ain't, no. But the man in

247
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:23,939
shop said, if anything at all goes wrong
with it, do not hesitate to phone me up

248
00:21:23,940 --> 00:21:25,840
and I'll tell you what time it is.

249
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,970
Something gone wrong with my budgie this
week?

250
00:21:31,180 --> 00:21:33,160
Your budgie? What's gone wrong with he?

251
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,290
He drowned it.

252
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,460
Oh, dear. I told you not to keep me in
that goldfish bowl.

253
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,920
You should keep me in a cage like
everyone else.

254
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,610
Well, I did, but the water kept running
out.

255
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:48,400
My dog's dying, do you know?

256
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:50,930
Oh, dear, sorry to hear that. When did
he die?

257
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:54,430
Well, if he'd lived till tomorrow, he'd
have been dead a fortnight.

258
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:00,490
Yeah.

259
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,260
I've had that dog since the week before
he was born.

260
00:22:06,540 --> 00:22:09,910
How can you have a dog a week before
he's born? He's born a week early.

261
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,020
just had a baby. Oh?

262
00:22:16,021 --> 00:22:17,259
Boy or girl?

263
00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:18,199
Oh, she's a girl.

264
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,940
Boys can't have babies.

265
00:22:20,860 --> 00:22:24,280
What do you mean? It's a baby, a boy or
a girl? Oh, I don't know.

266
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,110
Oh, so you don't know whether you're a
hunkle or a heart then, do you?

267
00:22:28,491 --> 00:22:33,979
What are you buying him for a
christening present then?

268
00:22:33,980 --> 00:22:38,440
A pram. Oh, yeah. I'm buying this pram
on the new herd purchase scheme.

269
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:39,439
What's that?

270
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,300
100 % down and nothing to eat.

271
00:22:46,481 --> 00:22:48,529
Oh, that's terrible.

272
00:22:48,530 --> 00:22:49,529
Did you live?

273
00:22:49,530 --> 00:22:54,670
Oh, yeah, I'm all right, yeah. Yeah. You
should see me now.

274
00:22:57,210 --> 00:22:58,350
Do you know something?

275
00:22:58,650 --> 00:23:01,990
I've got 200 more bones in my body than
you have.

276
00:23:01,991 --> 00:23:03,549
Who is that?

277
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:05,050
I had a kipper for me breakfast.

278
00:23:07,910 --> 00:23:11,170
You know, we've drunk ten pints.

279
00:23:11,410 --> 00:23:15,629
Yeah. Shall we have one down the swan?
No, I can't wait. I'm going to have one

280
00:23:15,630 --> 00:23:16,680
behind the bushes.

281
00:23:25,710 --> 00:23:33,199
When you're a traveling man and haven't
got a wife, there's got to be a lot of

282
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,760
different women in your life. Different
temperament, different size.

283
00:23:37,140 --> 00:23:41,199
The shape of them zoomers and the color
of their eyes. Girl number one, never

284
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,720
one better. Her name was Loretta. How
could I forget her?

285
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:51,180
She was a big girl, strong girl, built
like a miner. A big girl, heavy girl,

286
00:23:51,181 --> 00:23:52,419
liked to wrestle bears.

287
00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:54,680
Big girl, clumsy girl, broke a lot of
china.

288
00:23:54,980 --> 00:23:57,870
Broke a lot of fellas' hearts and
squashed a lot of chairs.

289
00:23:58,890 --> 00:24:01,610
Sat in a jury once and suffocated them.

290
00:24:01,990 --> 00:24:03,170
Rule number two.

291
00:24:03,390 --> 00:24:04,440
My, oh, my.

292
00:24:04,650 --> 00:24:06,990
Seven foot high. Reach for the sky.

293
00:24:09,170 --> 00:24:12,130
She was a tall girl, thin girl, full
length fiery.

294
00:24:12,390 --> 00:24:14,770
Tall girl, skinny girl, legs like kings.

295
00:24:14,990 --> 00:24:18,989
Tall girl, knobbly girl, willowy and
wiry. Good for growing beans up for

296
00:24:18,990 --> 00:24:20,130
clearing out the grave.

297
00:24:21,570 --> 00:24:25,290
Slipped down a grating outside the post
office. Never saw her again.

298
00:24:27,180 --> 00:24:29,520
Girl number three. Was that four?

299
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:30,860
I used to keep score.

300
00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:32,150
Not anymore.

301
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:39,019
She was a small girl, tiny girl, red
little dolly, ding -a -little fairy with

302
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:39,999
bust of 42.

303
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,439
Name was Arabella, but I used to call
her Polly because she chatted like a

304
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,000
parrot, so we left her in the zoo.

305
00:24:46,020 --> 00:24:50,480
She had such a big bust, she used to
overbalance even when she was lying

306
00:24:52,290 --> 00:24:56,869
Girls without number, living and loving,
laughing and scratching, pushing and

307
00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:57,920
shoving.

308
00:24:59,690 --> 00:25:02,450
Big girls, small girls, tall ones and
midgets.

309
00:25:02,770 --> 00:25:05,000
Redheads, deadheads, fatheads and
freaks.

310
00:25:05,001 --> 00:25:08,649
Jeans, Jones, Junes, James, Betty, Lose
and Bridges. Country girls and town

311
00:25:08,650 --> 00:25:12,410
girls, brown girls and greets. And one
and all cause chaos and confusion.

312
00:25:12,770 --> 00:25:14,990
Love them and leave them is the only
course.

313
00:25:15,210 --> 00:25:19,229
I learned one thing and come to one
conclusion. That a man's best friend is

314
00:25:19,230 --> 00:25:20,280
voice.

315
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:45,040
Thank you. Tonight I'd like, if I may,
to tell you a brand new cricketing joke,

316
00:25:45,220 --> 00:25:47,180
which has never been heard before.

317
00:25:47,820 --> 00:25:51,900
Actually, when I say it's never been
heard before, that's not entirely true.

318
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:53,980
Let's be honest.

319
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:59,419
This joke is so old it was found buried
with the Dead Sea Scrolls, as was the

320
00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:00,680
comedian who just told it.

321
00:26:01,820 --> 00:26:05,640
It actually dates back to 256 B .C.

322
00:26:05,641 --> 00:26:09,749
which, as scholars of ancient Egypt will
know, was the year of the famous

323
00:26:09,750 --> 00:26:15,989
wildcat strike by the amalgamated union
of eunuchs and allied

324
00:26:15,990 --> 00:26:20,370
sopranos in a dispute over severance
pay.

325
00:26:22,670 --> 00:26:28,549
Incidentally, since the last show, I'd
like to thank all those of you who have

326
00:26:28,550 --> 00:26:31,730
written in with suggestions about what I
can do with my act.

327
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,870
I have the one or two of you who sent
diagrams.

328
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:44,559
Offers of work have been flooding in.
Last week I was invited to go on a round

329
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,740
-the -world cruise by the chairman of
the Flat Earth Society.

330
00:26:49,340 --> 00:26:54,140
This week I was asked to do a very
important after -dinner speech.

331
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,130
I said, do you want me to be funny? They
said, no, just be yourself.

332
00:26:58,580 --> 00:27:02,899
It was actually, to be honest, it was
actually rather a swish -do being held

333
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:06,540
commemorate. 50 years of the BBC
canteen.

334
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,160
And it was very, very moving.

335
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,920
Some... You're making jokes up there.

336
00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:19,920
No, it was rather moving. I mean, some
of the original sausage rolls were

337
00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:24,740
Brought a lump to many throats.

338
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:31,819
And it... Actually, it took me back to
my own early career in the catering

339
00:27:31,820 --> 00:27:32,870
trade.

340
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,950
when I was a little boy and a dumb
waiter.

341
00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:39,580
As I say, it was a very formal occasion.

342
00:27:39,581 --> 00:27:43,599
It was a very, very formal occasion, but
somebody for a joke had told me it was

343
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:44,650
fancy dress.

344
00:27:44,651 --> 00:27:47,439
So there we all are, the Director
General, the Chairman of the BBC, the

345
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,159
Governors, you know, all standing around
in their smart suits and dinner

346
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:54,640
jackets, and I'm trying to act casual,
dressed as Bo Peep.

347
00:27:57,649 --> 00:28:00,810
With my glass of sherry in one hand and
my crook in the other.

348
00:28:01,410 --> 00:28:05,529
I remember thinking it was actually the
first fancy dress party I'd been to

349
00:28:05,530 --> 00:28:08,570
since May the 10th, 1975.

350
00:28:09,430 --> 00:28:13,109
Now, I remember that day clearly,
because it was the one day when there

351
00:28:13,110 --> 00:28:14,270
sale at Allied Carpets.

352
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:25,539
On that occasion, that fancy dress
party, I put on tin legs from a suit of

353
00:28:25,540 --> 00:28:27,740
armour and went as a pair of
nutcrackers.

354
00:28:29,980 --> 00:28:31,160
Out. Come on.

355
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:38,240
To be honest, to be honest, it was the
usual low -budget affair, this dinner,

356
00:28:38,380 --> 00:28:40,600
hosted by a repeat of Terry Wogan.

357
00:28:40,980 --> 00:28:43,040
It was four hours.

358
00:28:43,850 --> 00:28:46,670
It was four hours before the BBC cheese
board arrived.

359
00:28:47,610 --> 00:28:50,620
They held a meeting and decided we
couldn't have any cheese.

360
00:28:51,630 --> 00:28:56,029
I seem to have wandered off the point. I
was going to tell you this joke about a

361
00:28:56,030 --> 00:28:59,550
small country cricket team that is in
the doldrums.

362
00:28:59,551 --> 00:29:02,069
Now, don't ask me which part of the
doldrums.

363
00:29:02,070 --> 00:29:05,709
I think it was the northern part.
Anyway, I spent a couple of weeks myself

364
00:29:05,710 --> 00:29:11,049
last summer in the northern doldrums.
And it was a bit of a mistake in the

365
00:29:11,050 --> 00:29:13,109
go, actually. We were staying at a
friend's cottage.

366
00:29:13,110 --> 00:29:17,390
And the heating system was a bit
temperamental.

367
00:29:17,830 --> 00:29:20,660
When we got there, it was snowing in the
airing cupboard.

368
00:29:21,790 --> 00:29:27,810
The rising damp was so bad, the mice
were punting around and mousetraps.

369
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:33,640
The doctor had told me to take a break,
because he said I'd been overworking.

370
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:38,080
And I suppose I have been taking on
rather a lot recently, to be honest.

371
00:29:38,580 --> 00:29:43,639
I have been very, very active in our
local pressure group, Short Comedians

372
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:44,690
Against Bo Derek.

373
00:29:48,140 --> 00:29:50,580
It beats personal stereo any day now.

374
00:29:50,581 --> 00:29:55,019
To be honest, I don't put a lot of trust
in my doctor's judgment these days. My

375
00:29:55,020 --> 00:29:58,460
wife asked him if he'd got something for
a creaky hip joint.

376
00:29:59,140 --> 00:30:01,490
And he gave her two tickets for Ronnie
Scott's.

377
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:05,700
But I digress.

378
00:30:06,140 --> 00:30:07,720
I digress. Back to the joke.

379
00:30:08,380 --> 00:30:12,439
About this local cricket team. Now, they
are one Sunday afternoon going through

380
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:17,199
a bit of a rough patch in this game. And
the chairman decides, the chairman of

381
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:20,810
the club, decides after the match he'll
put an advert in the local paper.

382
00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:22,880
Bats person wanted.

383
00:30:23,540 --> 00:30:25,000
See, bats person wanted.

384
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,220
Ability to hit the ball, an advantage.

385
00:30:28,860 --> 00:30:32,400
Apply, apply, blah, blah, blah, etc.,
etc., etc.

386
00:30:32,401 --> 00:30:35,879
Well, a month goes by, and there's no
response of any kind, and the chairman

387
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:39,220
thinks, I wonder if I should put in our
name and address in.

388
00:30:41,490 --> 00:30:43,840
instead of the blah, blah, blah, etc.,
etc., etc.

389
00:30:44,230 --> 00:30:49,209
Well, it can make a difference. And just
as he's thinking this, there's a knock

390
00:30:49,210 --> 00:30:51,650
on his office door, and in walks a
horse.

391
00:30:52,930 --> 00:30:59,110
And the horse casually pulls up a chair,
sits down, lights a cigarette,

392
00:30:59,330 --> 00:31:03,670
and says, I understand you're looking
for some new players.

393
00:31:04,070 --> 00:31:06,890
A bit posh, actually.

394
00:31:08,780 --> 00:31:12,920
I wonder if I might... I wonder if I put
my services at your disposal.

395
00:31:13,540 --> 00:31:15,770
The chairman says to her, but you're a
horse.

396
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:17,420
And the horse said, I know.

397
00:31:18,420 --> 00:31:20,280
Because she's not stupid, this horse.

398
00:31:21,020 --> 00:31:23,910
He said, but I am rather nifty with the
old willow, he says.

399
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,570
And the least you can do is give me a
trial, old bean.

400
00:31:26,571 --> 00:31:30,289
So they go down to the nets, and sure
enough, the horse plays some strokes,

401
00:31:30,290 --> 00:31:33,729
know, very good strokes, making him both
of them look like a flyswatter. And the

402
00:31:33,730 --> 00:31:37,309
chairman is so impressed, he signs him
up. And the following weekend, the horse

403
00:31:37,310 --> 00:31:42,589
is put in as the opening bat. How she
strides the creature, in his shin pads,

404
00:31:42,590 --> 00:31:45,030
his gloves, you know, and his horse box.

405
00:31:47,690 --> 00:31:50,830
And in the very first over...

406
00:31:51,230 --> 00:31:54,030
It smashes every delivery clean out of
the stadium.

407
00:31:54,270 --> 00:31:55,690
Six after six after six.

408
00:31:55,890 --> 00:31:58,420
And the club's regular supporters are
astounded.

409
00:31:59,550 --> 00:32:01,110
And so are you, by the sound of it.

410
00:32:02,710 --> 00:32:04,950
And both have to be treated for shock.

411
00:32:05,210 --> 00:32:12,049
Then... Then... Then comes the second
over, and the first ball, the other

412
00:32:12,050 --> 00:32:16,249
batsman, at the other end, plays a fluke
hook shot and starts racing up the

413
00:32:16,250 --> 00:32:18,869
pitch to snatch the quick single, you
see. But to his astonishment, the horse

414
00:32:18,870 --> 00:32:21,119
doesn't move, just stands there,
motionless.

415
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,579
The batsman shouts, what are you doing?
What are you doing? He said, run, run,

416
00:32:24,580 --> 00:32:25,700
for God's sake, run.

417
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:27,600
And the horse says, run?

418
00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:31,260
Do me a favour, he said. If I could run,
I'd be at bloody Epsom.

419
00:33:02,380 --> 00:33:05,000
Edgar, where are you? Hurry up.

420
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:06,500
Coming, my prophet.

421
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:08,990
Have a lovely weekend in the country,
sir.

422
00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,220
Oh, Alice, what do they know about life
in the country?

423
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,260
They either shoot it or mate with it.

424
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:16,770
Sometimes both.

425
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,220
Edgar, will you come along?

426
00:33:22,820 --> 00:33:25,280
Now, Brighton, is the chauffeur all
ready?

427
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:27,740
I believe he is at the front end,
milady.

428
00:33:28,140 --> 00:33:29,780
Did you clean my gumballs?

429
00:33:30,270 --> 00:33:31,390
In wine, milady.

430
00:33:31,710 --> 00:33:32,760
Excellent.

431
00:33:33,230 --> 00:33:37,150
Oh, dear. I forgot to say goodbye to
Fifi. I took the liberty, madam.

432
00:33:40,970 --> 00:33:42,020
Goodbye,

433
00:33:43,670 --> 00:33:45,410
my darling Fifi.

434
00:33:46,730 --> 00:33:48,110
Oh, Brighton.

435
00:33:48,310 --> 00:33:51,070
You are the perfect butler.

436
00:33:51,490 --> 00:33:55,730
It's always those little extra touches
one looks forward to.

437
00:33:56,090 --> 00:33:57,140
Quite, milady.

438
00:34:10,219 --> 00:34:11,269
Sit there, Edgar.

439
00:34:11,420 --> 00:34:12,820
Enjoy the country.

440
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:14,130
It's beautiful.

441
00:34:14,540 --> 00:34:15,590
No, it's not.

442
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:19,980
It's green, and what isn't green is
brown and in piles.

443
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:22,739
Horrible, Mrs. Lyles.

444
00:34:23,219 --> 00:34:25,000
I'll press them for you, sir.

445
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:36,060
Don't tell me, Wrighton, my big end's
blown.

446
00:34:37,380 --> 00:34:38,739
I didn't hear a thing.

447
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:45,379
Chauffeur tells me that the motor car
has been tampered with, sir. Someone has

448
00:34:45,380 --> 00:34:47,199
loosened a rear grunion.

449
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:48,900
We shall be late for lunch.

450
00:34:49,620 --> 00:34:54,658
Fortunately, madam, the Duchess's
residence is but a few short miles

451
00:34:54,659 --> 00:34:56,520
country. If you would care to walk?

452
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,140
Walk? With feet, you mean?

453
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:00,760
That's a good idea.

454
00:35:01,180 --> 00:35:03,240
Come on, Edgar. I want to stretch my
legs.

455
00:35:03,660 --> 00:35:04,710
Ah.

456
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,640
Well, I suppose I might stretch my legs,
too.

457
00:35:08,700 --> 00:35:10,260
If I do it often enough.

458
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,060
they might reach the ground.

459
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:14,050
Come along.

460
00:35:22,220 --> 00:35:25,720
In springtime, in springtime... Oh, hi.

461
00:35:26,180 --> 00:35:27,340
Come on, Edgar.

462
00:35:29,140 --> 00:35:30,240
Now what?

463
00:35:32,860 --> 00:35:33,910
What's happened?

464
00:35:34,060 --> 00:35:37,280
One of those dreadful butterflies came
straight at me.

465
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,080
Ran away and tipped over the, um...

466
00:35:40,970 --> 00:35:42,650
What do you call that green stuff?

467
00:35:43,130 --> 00:35:44,180
Grass.

468
00:35:44,430 --> 00:35:45,530
Damn little stuff.

469
00:35:45,910 --> 00:35:47,330
I've broken several ankles.

470
00:35:48,150 --> 00:35:51,340
You don't have to wait here, I'm afraid,
till some help arrives.

471
00:35:51,450 --> 00:35:52,500
Certainly.

472
00:35:55,430 --> 00:35:56,480
Lovely.

473
00:35:59,290 --> 00:36:00,630
Look at the time.

474
00:36:01,190 --> 00:36:03,330
We shall be late for drinks before
lunch.

475
00:36:05,790 --> 00:36:07,190
With liberty, madam.

476
00:36:07,750 --> 00:36:10,010
I call it my woodland cocktail.

477
00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:12,320
Oh, right.

478
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:20,200
A jigger of stinkwort, a dash of
marjoram, a finger of dandelion wine,

479
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:24,700
shaken in a hollow tree trunk and served
in a water lily.

480
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,060
How exquisite.

481
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,170
And you made it yourself as you came
along?

482
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,000
I made the wine behind that tree, madam.

483
00:36:47,630 --> 00:36:49,070
Have all very well, isn't it?

484
00:36:49,370 --> 00:36:51,290
Well, they're left on time, Your Grace.

485
00:36:51,830 --> 00:36:55,740
Well, her ladyship will be perfectly all
right if we've got Brighton with her.

486
00:36:56,370 --> 00:36:58,850
Answer, Edgar. Yes, I forgot.

487
00:37:00,570 --> 00:37:03,030
I think Brighton did it terribly well.

488
00:37:03,890 --> 00:37:08,010
To me, it looks rustic, frankly. You're
so pathetic.

489
00:37:08,450 --> 00:37:10,190
You couldn't make table and chairs.

490
00:37:10,870 --> 00:37:13,790
It looks as though he did it with his
penknife.

491
00:37:14,350 --> 00:37:16,430
If you would care to peruse the menu.

492
00:37:18,220 --> 00:37:21,660
I recommend the snails in wild garlic
with fresh rosemary.

493
00:37:22,860 --> 00:37:26,880
I suppose it'd be too much to hope for
some frog's legs.

494
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:31,979
Well, it's a little early in the season,
I'm afraid, so I did attempt tadpole's

495
00:37:31,980 --> 00:37:34,460
legs, but I haven't got my reading
glasses.

496
00:37:35,300 --> 00:37:40,579
Then to continue, there is cuckoo
omelette, a pigeon stuffed with

497
00:37:40,580 --> 00:37:45,579
one very large truffle stuffed with
pigeons, a wild honeycomb with oak apple

498
00:37:45,580 --> 00:37:50,690
jelly, and with your coffee, Some after
-eight cat mints. Oh, right.

499
00:37:51,170 --> 00:37:54,890
How do you do it? I have a Swiss army
knife, madam.

500
00:38:06,970 --> 00:38:10,550
I, uh... I don't much like the
weathercock.

501
00:38:10,990 --> 00:38:12,870
No, it is a little muggy, isn't it?

502
00:38:14,430 --> 00:38:15,830
No, I mean that thing.

503
00:38:16,210 --> 00:38:19,699
And if you think... I think for one
moment I am spending the night in this

504
00:38:19,700 --> 00:38:23,780
erection. Oh, no, no, no, no, sir, no.
That is merely the butler's pantry, sir.

505
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:26,280
I've built the big house over here.

506
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,300
Where are the necessary officers?

507
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:31,570
Over there, sir.

508
00:38:32,980 --> 00:38:35,120
Gents on the left, ladies on the right.

509
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:36,920
Butlers? Round the back.

510
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:39,620
I think I'm going to pay a visit.

511
00:38:40,220 --> 00:38:43,740
Oh, my ankle's still hurting. Would you
do it for me, Brighton?

512
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:45,130
Certainly, sir.

513
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:54,550
I believe I hear her ladyship ringing
from the lake, sir.

514
00:38:56,260 --> 00:38:57,310
Crocodile!

515
00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:01,430
Crocodile! What was that, Brighton? I
believe her ladyship said crocodile,

516
00:39:01,820 --> 00:39:03,600
crocodile, sir. Rubble barrel.

517
00:39:04,740 --> 00:39:07,440
I don't think we know the crocodile,
crocodile, sir.

518
00:39:08,420 --> 00:39:12,419
No, I think she was referring to the
reptile of that name, sir. Whilst

519
00:39:12,420 --> 00:39:16,260
the times, I did notice that one had
escaped from Wincanton Zoo.

520
00:39:19,140 --> 00:39:20,220
Your permission, sir.

521
00:39:21,420 --> 00:39:24,480
I'm looking forward to a quiet tea by
the lake.

522
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:28,520
I fancy the crocodile may be starting
without us.

523
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,020
If you will excuse me, sir.

524
00:40:14,090 --> 00:40:15,350
You screamed, milady.

525
00:41:33,290 --> 00:41:35,730
it's the best I could manage in the
time, my lady.

526
00:41:44,730 --> 00:41:46,490
Belgravia 130, Alice speaking.

527
00:41:47,490 --> 00:41:51,330
No, I'm sorry. Sir Edgar and Lady
Gwendolyn are still not found.

528
00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:52,810
The search is continuing.

529
00:41:54,210 --> 00:41:56,690
If we can but pray that they're getting
warm.

530
00:42:01,350 --> 00:42:02,400
Roasted nuts.

531
00:42:02,410 --> 00:42:03,910
sir? No, no, they're all right.

532
00:42:05,510 --> 00:42:10,129
You're caught, sir. Ah, well, I'm fine
too, Brighton. Yes, I'm sorry, sir. It

533
00:42:10,130 --> 00:42:11,870
took so long treading the conkers.

534
00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:14,370
A very important storm, I suppose.

535
00:42:14,690 --> 00:42:15,950
So where's the ladyship?

536
00:42:16,130 --> 00:42:18,480
I believe she said she was retiring
early, sir.

537
00:42:28,090 --> 00:42:31,490
Well, isn't that rather drafty?

538
00:42:33,420 --> 00:42:34,470
Asking you.

539
00:42:34,740 --> 00:42:36,560
I was asking Brighton.

540
00:42:37,580 --> 00:42:39,700
He ran up this nighty for me.

541
00:42:39,900 --> 00:42:41,760
I think you'd better run down it again.

542
00:42:42,820 --> 00:42:44,760
He made it for me.

543
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,240
From Gotham and Dandelion down.

544
00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:50,420
He's a man.

545
00:42:50,900 --> 00:42:52,800
Sounds a bit of a pansy to me.

546
00:42:53,660 --> 00:42:58,300
Pansy? You haven't got a teaspoon of red
blood in your veins.

547
00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:01,540
Brighton is everything you're not.

548
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:03,090
Strong.

549
00:43:03,780 --> 00:43:06,260
Handsome, brave, gallant.

550
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:08,880
Good night, Edgar.

551
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:12,480
Brighton, I shall be waiting.

552
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,010
Come soon.

553
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:22,820
There'll be votes for women next.

554
00:43:23,860 --> 00:43:28,020
Well, you think you're good at
everything? She'll want to make love 14

555
00:43:28,860 --> 00:43:30,280
Will that be all, sir?

556
00:43:31,100 --> 00:43:33,570
Probably not. Fifteen times at weekends,
I'd say.

557
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:39,220
I'm sorry if I appear twisted. It's just
that I... I feel a bit of a gooseberry.

558
00:43:39,860 --> 00:43:41,920
The best bit, if I may say so, sir.

559
00:43:42,820 --> 00:43:44,870
I'll say kind of you, Brighton. Thank
you.

560
00:43:45,240 --> 00:43:46,290
Sit down, old man.

561
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:47,610
Thank you, sir.

562
00:43:48,700 --> 00:43:51,780
I hope I can still come to you for a
reference, sir.

563
00:43:52,740 --> 00:43:54,200
Are you leaving, Brighton?

564
00:43:54,660 --> 00:43:59,579
Well, after this little fling with her
ladyship, I think I may be forced to

565
00:43:59,580 --> 00:44:00,630
a new position.

566
00:44:01,420 --> 00:44:06,540
Believe me, Brighton, you'll have a
glowing testimonial. There you go.

567
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:15,040
In the meantime, sir, is there anything
I can get you before I retire?

568
00:44:15,460 --> 00:44:20,439
No, that will be all, Brighton. In that
case, sir, I shall take the liberty of

569
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:21,490
taking a liberty.

570
00:45:13,870 --> 00:45:18,370
life in ruins, with chitterings dragged
through the mud. You can stay with us.

571
00:45:18,610 --> 00:45:19,830
We shall need a butler.

572
00:45:20,190 --> 00:45:21,750
I could show you the road, sir.

573
00:45:22,290 --> 00:45:23,340
Yes.

574
00:45:23,970 --> 00:45:27,970
Now, I'm man enough to know what to do.
I'm going off to the woods now, right?

575
00:45:28,290 --> 00:45:30,330
And I may be gone sometime.

576
00:46:01,071 --> 00:46:02,739
It worked.

577
00:46:02,740 --> 00:46:03,790
It worked.

578
00:46:19,440 --> 00:46:21,820
Well, that brings us to the end of the
show.

579
00:46:22,140 --> 00:46:26,140
But before we go, there's just time for
a few late items of news.

580
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:32,879
The explosion which rocked Malvolio
Terrace, Swindon, earlier today, has

581
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:34,840
blamed on a faulty old boiler.

582
00:46:35,100 --> 00:46:36,780
She'd forgotten to turn the gas on.

583
00:46:38,300 --> 00:46:42,899
Good news from California, where
superglue victim Chuck Bradder was freed

584
00:46:42,900 --> 00:46:46,660
his bath tonight after spending four
days in freezing cold water.

585
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:49,490
He'll be seeing his shrink for the next
fortnight.

586
00:46:53,500 --> 00:46:54,980
A task force.

587
00:46:55,630 --> 00:47:01,349
Task force from our furry friend league
broke into Oliver Reed's bedroom and

588
00:47:01,350 --> 00:47:02,430
liberated his tongue.

589
00:47:06,330 --> 00:47:11,369
Finally, news that five Indian doctors
in Birmingham have formed themselves

590
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:14,380
a new group practice. They'll be known
as the Bengal Lancets.

591
00:47:15,970 --> 00:47:20,729
In next week's programme, I'll be
talking to the Irishman who's the

592
00:47:20,730 --> 00:47:23,390
prolific inventor, Mr Pat Pending.

593
00:47:26,060 --> 00:47:29,919
And I'll be having a word with the taxi
driver who picked up a party of fins at

594
00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:33,019
Heathrow. They didn't know whether the
place they wanted to go to was called

595
00:47:33,020 --> 00:47:35,960
Bletchley or Sketchley, so he took them
to the cleaners.

596
00:47:35,961 --> 00:47:40,269
And it's goodnight from me. And it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.

597
00:47:40,270 --> 00:47:44,820
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